Shares from a Winter’s Solitude: It’s all God in Drag
March 9, Black Mountain, My Journal
I don’t hate the ego. Or, at least I hope to find peace with it one day. It is the tool that enables duality, which enables us to choose, which is why I think we’re here in form, away from the Unity in which we came. To come to know ourselves through contrast. The ego enables this.
And yet, this whole ego thing is taking me for quite the ride. The Great Fallacy of the ego to me is not that it sees everything as a threat, but rather, that it convinces me of its comprehensiveness and totality. At times this is funny. At others, I am driven mad.
I believe I am coming to see that Life is simply happening. The macro like the micro. My ego certainly is not responsible for my hair growing, my cells replenishing themselves, or my lungs breathing. It’s almost like the ego convinces me these functions are not too important because they’re not under the control of the “comprehensive” ego. The ego tells me that only its experience of the world is Real. And, it’s funny because even in my logical mind, I can see there is SO much that does not fit within the linear, chronological, action/reaction paradigm of the mind.
I woke up this morning, and my mind had me following a story that all of my kindness and open-heartedness are actually just part of its ploy for control and safety and need for love. Of course, that’s not real. What I’m trying to say here is that this mind is only a filter to what’s really happening. Getting caught in this wave of mind/ego-expression is not actually changing any course of events in this cosmic dance beyond changing my lived experience of life. So, this angst to “change” my ego is simply not existential. Life and its perfection is happening — regardless of if I am watching it from the Peace of my heart or I’m caught in thought waves of self-rejection. And maybe from that knowing, I can laugh at the misery the ego can bring. Or perhaps, I can find gratitude for giving me the choice to come back to what is true beneath its ripples.
I keep getting the message in different forms: my path to knowing, being with, loving, and serving the Great Spirit is through me. As much as my ego would convince me that I was not divinely crafted, and in fact, I’m on of the few “mess ups” in the Divine Order, there is indeed a perfect order to my existence. And that perfect order is God in human drag. With all the shit it brings. So, to get to know my being with so much curiosity and tenderness and preciousness — that’s the path for me to get to know the Greater. I did not incarnate to run away from the messiness and beauty of being an eternal being having an experience in a time-bound body.
I can spend so much energy trying to “leave” this reality for some other thing up in the sky. As I come to trust and see myself as part of God in drag, so I will be able to experience others that way. That seems to me to be the dissipation of self-judgement. It’s all God. Always. And if I’m not feeling that, it’s simply because there is a filter creating some illusion. Alan Watts had it all right when he said, “Oh, what a funny way God is coming on today.” Within us and beyond us — the internal experience and the external experience — it is all part of it.
There is no pursuit of “good” outside ourselves. There is only a path back to what has always been and will always be Real. Whether the filters of falseness melt away. We never “fell” from Heaven. We’re here — wearing really funny costumes. Let’s soak up that trip.
